


I Need You

by dreamchaser31



Series: I'll Get You Through [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Alcohol, F/M, Marriage, Nightmares, Separations
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-19
Updated: 2015-09-19
Packaged: 2018-04-21 14:31:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4832714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dreamchaser31/pseuds/dreamchaser31
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She always knew what he needed. He didn't.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Need You

He got why she left. Took his little girl with her. Being the partner of The Winter Soldier had to be hard on the psyche. Too many nightmares. Too many all-nighters. Too many fights because of the all-nighters. He resorted to drinking. She didn't like that. He understood. It didn't even help at all, but it was the thought. Back then, a cold one was able to make you forget, just a little. Maybe it was because he was seeking solace from another source when things went down between them. Those fights were the worse.

 

He'd never hurt her. Physically she wasn't a match. Mentally, though, she was torn up. As much as she'd tried to help him. To comfort him. To prove to him that he wasn't that man. She'd married him with all the faith in the world that it was the right thing. She had his daughter, not his first child. His first child was conceived shortly before the war. It was weird to think that biologically, his son would only have at most thirty years left on earth. She didn't even leave him after she found out about that. She understood him. Now she was gone. He'd let her leave. Took his daughter with her. He didn't want to live.

 

He looks into his mug. The liquid gold he turns to after each fight, bitter on his tongue. He'd come home tonight only to find out she'd made good on her threat of leaving him if he didn't start opening up to her. He hurt her, he knew it. Every time he'd pull away from her was like a knife to her heart. He was sorry. _I'm sorry._

 

He had to figure out a way to get her back, to get them back. He had to do it his way. He couldn't depend on someone else. That was a reason she left, wasn't it? His co-dependency on everyone except the one he claimed to love most in the world. After three years together he was still HYDRA's tool. Just not much in a way that was useful to them, and completely in a way that was destroying everything he'd worked for. His wife, his daughter. His fucking life!

 

He leans back and rubs his eyes, looking over at the refrigerator, his smiling daughter's face brightening his spirits, so much like her mother, with his eyes, and he remembers. This is why she fights so hard for me, for us. He remembers the pregnancy not being planned. A lot of times during their first weeks of marriage, especially on their honeymoon, lovemaking occurred on all locales at all times, and birth control was the last thing on their minds at times. She wasn't planned, but she wasn't _not_ wanted when she was discovered, and nine months later, Jane gave him his greatest gift, second only to her, he realizes now that she's gone, and she put to rest what he always thought about her. Normally it was Darcy forcing food down her throat, or coaxing his wife to leave work behind for a few hours, to shower, to love on him a little, when Ava was born, she was born to the best mother on earth. Mothering was second nature to Jane, and when he held his daughter the first time, she had to coax him into believing that he deserved her.

 

Babies were a funny thing. They are born loving, and so dependent on their parents, that it didn't matter to them that you were horrible person in your past. Jane didn't let Ave not love him, regardless of how often he was around, which wasn't enough lately, and whenever he did see their two year old now, she showed him all the love an adoration of a well loved baby could show. _They left me._

 

He knew it would happen too. She'd given too many warnings. She was unhappy. He'd failed her. All she wanted was a hint, a clue that she still mattered to him. She'd spent one too many nights alone in bed. Too many days caring for their child alone. Too many years trying to help him, and too many years of him rejecting her help. Was it bad that he didn't turn to her in any of his times in need? Sam said yes. Steve rolled his eyes. He didn't know. Regardless that she married him, she was still a civilian. He didn't want to hurt her! She couldn't handle what he needed from her.

 

_"She can give you what none of us can, man. Love." Sam said one evening at the place he shared with Steve as the group sat down for a card game. "And she wants to do that. But you're not letting her. You're avoiding her because your nightmares are worse. I get that, but it's hurting her. She doesn't sleep when you're gone, and you need to trust her when she says she wants to help you, that's her giving you permission to lay it on her. That she can take it. You have to let your loved ones walk you through this. ALL of your loved ones. Don't push her away, or you might not have her anymore."_

 

Steve had agreed with his boyfriend, wholeheartedly, but was decidedly staying mum on the subject. And now he'd done it. He'd pushed her away. His wife. _His wife_. 

 

He shoots off a quick text. _I'm sorry. How's Ava?_

 

_She misses you._

 

_Can I see her?_

 

_Are you serious right now?_

 

_I don't like this Jane. I want you back home._

 

_I can't do this anymore, James. I told you._

 

_And I'm sorry. I hate that you felt like you had to leave._

 

_You can see, Ava. I won't deny you your daughter._

 

_What about you? Can I see you?_

 

_Not right now, James._

 

That was it. He guesses that she'd have Darcy bring her by. His heart hurting that she wouldn't be there herself. He got it. Sometimes pushing someone away hurt worse than any physical pain you could manage. He did that. He got that. He needed to fix that. 

 

 

Ava was bright and beautiful when Aunt Darcy dropped her off. At least it said something that Jane trusted him alone with their daughter, right?He ends up making her her favorite supper, and playing with her at her favorite doll house. She had ten of them. Something he loved to buy for her. He remembers his sister playing with them growing up. She was talking more each day, but most of the time her sentences came out in excited baby babble. She could say mama, that was her favorite word. She could say dada, as well. At least those two most important words weren't lost in translation. 

 

When it was time for her to go, she seemed to understand, though it was no less easy for him to let her go. Wrapping her in a five minute hug, trying not to cry. _Was this how Jane felt when he left her like this?_ Damn him.

 

He had to fight for her. Had to get them back. Both of them. To Start, he cleared every single bottle of beer, whiskey, and vodka from the premises. He didn't need them anyway, they didn't even do their job, and picked apart every inch of his home, their home, cleaning it top to bottom. He didn't realize that it was six a.m. when he finally stopped. It was the first night in a long time he didn't have a nightmare, and it was because he was fighting to get back what he needed the most.

 

_Maybe Sam was onto something._

 

She wouldn't see him at breakfast, she took lunch in her lab, and Ava was at his for afternoon and dinner. It was a well oiled routine that went on for three weeks, before he got irritated at her lack of _not_ wanting to even be around him. 

 

_Is this some kind of irony?_

 

_What do you mean?_

 

_You not wanting to be here? With me?_

 

_I'm not understanding what's so ironic about that._

 

_I've been trying. I'm trying to let you see that I need you. I want you here._

 

_It's going to take more than a few weeks for that to happen, James.  
_

 

_How will you ever know if you won't even see me?_

 

_I see the irony now._

 

 

He was half tempted to throw his phone in a fit of temper that would put his two year old's tantrums to shame. He got it. He did. She didn't need to remind him about this. He just needed her. His first nightmare in weeks was decidedly different. It involved her leaving him, _for good._ And he woke up with as much conviction to get her back then ever. 

 

_I had a nightmare. Will you talk to me?_

 

_What was it about, James?_

 

_You. Us. Not being us anymore._

 

_That's different, right?_

 

_I can't let that happen, doll._

 

_Why?_

 

_Because, out of every nightmare I've had, last night's was the one that scared me the most._

 

_I don't get what you're saying, James. A month ago, that wouldn't have bothered you._

 

_A month ago, I felt invincible._

 

_You don't feel invincible, anymore?_

 

_You're not here._

 

It made sense. That Jane was his strong side was nothing new. But he understood where she came from better now. The past three years it was her fighting to him to let her in. To let her help. To just believe that she was strong enough to help him. Now it was the opposite. Her running, and him fighting his ass off to bring her back. 

 

_Please come home._

 

_Not right now, James._

 

 

So he went to work, proving to himself that he could be the man that he once was, maybe in a very different way. But a man that Jane deserves. His daughter now getting every other day with him overnight, Sam told him was progress. He didn't see it. Progress would be the three of them together. Living together as a family. But if Sam said it, then it was so. Texts were still only his form of communication with his wife, which Sam says is still a good thing, because even though she's refusing to see him face to face, she's still willing to communicate with him.

 

_Sam says it's good that you're still willing to text me. I hope he's right._

 

_He's pretty smart, that kid._

 

_So he's right?_

 

_I would guess so. Give me time, James._

 

_How much? My heart can't take much more._

 

_Believe me. I see what all you're doing for my benefit. I appreciate it. I do. But still finding it a bit unbelievable._

 

_Allow me to prove you wrong, then._

 

_Please do._

 

He could do that. He could work at that. It started with therapy. Not with Sam, anymore. No more co-dependency for him. He found the more he talked the less his nightmares happened. He realized that unlike with Sam, there wasn't an element that he felt he had to gloss over or make less gruesome. And while Sam was a soldier, and probably could take it, he was also Bucky's friend. And Bucky, like with Jane, felt he needed to protect his friends from his past. That was his first mistake. His past had made him who he was today, and according to his therapist that was a pretty great person. Most of all they talked about his precious wife, who was hurting so much because of his actions. Most of all he cried, he finally cried for all that he'd lost and all that he gained. That he thought he hadn't deserved. The breakthrough came at an optimal moment, and his heart felt incomplete as Happy drove him back to the tower. 

 

Which is why he was here now. In front of the door of Jane's temporary apartment, knocking three times, hoping she doesn't turn him away. She left him for a reason. And when she opens the door his heart stops.

 

"James?"

 

His eyes fill with tears as he looks at his wife, the breathtaking beauty that caught him when she they first met, still as striking to him. He can't find his voice, but manages to croak, "I need you." And when she pulls him into her arms, he's a stronger man than he was, if only for the fact that she made him realize, that he actually needed her. 

 "I need you." 

 

She smiles up at him, and gives him the kiss that he's been so desperately wanting. "I know. I need you too."


End file.
